• Nice guys finish last?
April 23, 2010 | Nathan Gehlert 
In my practice, I get to hear both sides of a common struggle of the sexes: women struggling to find a good, quality guy and some guys who fit that description who can't seem to get the women. What's this all about?
Well, Dean Melcher, founder of The Modern Man, a company in Australia that provides dating advice, has a hypothesis. He believes that some men fall into the Mr. Nice Guy category. These are the guys who "patiently listens to a girl complain without interrupting her. Because of his sweet nature, he puts the girl's demands first, altering his weekend plans to fit her schedule. He may be uneasy about making a decision for fear of being domineering." Melcher coaches his clients to be more assertive, to show more of their own desires in a relationship, and to leave a little to mystery. (You can read an article about Melcher here on CNN.com)
"Nice" is such a charged word in the dating world. In my single years, my guy friends and I would always cringe when a woman used that word to describe us. There's nothing inherently wrong with being nice, of course. It's just such a bland word. It seems that men are described as being nice when women don't have anything more exciting to say. I've never met a guy who really wanted to be Mr. Nice Guy.
I encourage my Mr. Nice Guy clients to examine the reasons they tend to defer their own desires, their selves to women in dating situations. What fears come up around the thought of being more assertive? What would it take to accept a little more risk of rejection? Most women want to be with a man who shows up, who shares his opinions, and who isn't afraid of having a different perspective than the woman.
Reader Comments (5)
I enjoyed your blog/article. I think you'll get a lot of bites on this topic. My husband and I ponder this all the time, as he is a Mr. Nice Guy who wonders why some women like the bad boys--either the image or the poor treatment or both, hoping, we suppose, that they can be the one special gal who harnesses this energy and becomes the one and only person for whom the wild card is not wild. . . Did you see Date Lab in the Post this weekend? The woman complained that the guy didn't have a shaved head and tattoos!
here's a link to the date lab article for those who are interested: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/15/AR2010041504997.html
this is the best line at the end from the guy on the date, Kevin:
Kevin: [I'd rate the date] a 2 [out of 5]. She was very nice and it was a fun time, but it was pretty clear that [a romantic connection] just wasn't there.
Nathan - I think your post is right on track. I like “nice... See more” guys – I really do! But (from the totally non-professional perspective of a still-single lady who has also had serious relationships, for whatever that’s worth :-) ) I think there’s a fine line between nice and outright boring. I think some women trade the guy who treats her right for the guy who always has something fun to do or something interesting going on in his life. But nice guys can be both – just as long as they don’t drop their whole lives and all their interests to date someone. Perhaps they just need a bit more confidence to know that they do bring something to the table.
I think it all comes back to confidence in the end – it makes the “bad boys” charming but also what makes them act like jerks. Girls just don’t want to feel like we’re dating ourselves (and I’m sure guys feel that way too).
I liked your article. I was thinking of it in terms of a continuum with deferring to the woman's desires and not expressing one's own needs on one end--i.e. being nice and being domineering or self centered at the other. One of John Gottman's factors that play in factors that increase risk in divorce is a man not accepting influence from a woman. I think that is the other extreme of the spectrum. There has to be some middle ground where the man can be assertive and express his own wants and desires, but also be attentive and a good listener to the partner. Perhaps not always agreeing, but at least listening. These are just some thoughts that I came up with quickly.
Nathan,
Great post! The idea of nice guys finishing last is a common issue, or sometimes fear, of men who want to settle down in their mid-20s. The bad boy/good guy dynamic can be easily observed. For example, in high school, the bad boy is usually the one who gets the girl. The nice guy is what all women eventually want 10 years down the road. It is only when women are in their mid to late 20s that they start worrying about being in a relationship with someone who will be a great caretaker and husband and father. Nice guys will finish, but unfortunately, many men have to wait until the need for a quality guy finally kicks in in some women.
I hate to generalize. However, I have seen this happen more often than not. Anyway, just some thoughts.